Dakota Fanning: if you’re reading this, run. Really, run. Run. It’s infectious. Get out now before it gets you too.
Swine flu? No, this is much more dangerous. We’re talking about the pandemic of bewilderingly awful haircuts sweeping through the New Moon cast. Robert Pattinson we already knew about – but we could deal with his terrible haircut because it was an isolated case, plus there’s a chance that he’s being ironic or suffers from self-loathing or something.
But now Kristen Stewart has done it too – her new haircut is half tatty scarecrow mullet and half barely-alive lawnmower-mangled crow. It’s harrowing.
It’s hard not to feel sorry for Kristen Stewart, isn’t it? After all, she’s the lead character in the Twilight films – the entire series is about how she goes from an awkward schoolgirl to a fully-fledged woman who gets knocked up by an elf or whatever – and yet all the Twilight fans want to do is spray urine at each other every time it looks like Robert Pattinson is going to take his top off.
In fact it’s worse than that. Twilight fans actually hate Kristen Stewart, partly because she gets paid to touch Robert Pattinson – something that they’d all happily chainsaw a limb off to be able to do – and partly because her very existence means that the Twilight films have to include scenes featuring her, rather than the whole thing being one long continuous shot of Robert Pattinson rubbing ice cubes on his bare nipples in a pair of leopardskin Speedos while licking his lips.
If reports are to be believed, Kristen Stewart has tried to get on a level pegging with Robert Pattinson in all kinds of different ways – by ignoring him, by seducing him – but these are desperate times, so Kristen has done the only thing left open to her. That’s right – Kristen Stewart has become Robert Pattinson.
Alright, she hasn’t actually become him. But she has given herself a particularly bad haircut, which is kind of the same thing. It’s awful. It’s a black mullet that looks like it was cut by a nervous man with delirium tremors in the back of a van going full pelt over a set of speed bumps. It looks like Kristen Stewart went into the hairdressers and said “Imagine what the Wicked Witch Of The West would look like if she woke up hungover in a bush to discover a cow trying to eat her scalp off. That please.”
It looks like a pube wound. It makes her look like a guest on an imaginary redneck zombie edition of Jerry Springer. It makes her look like all of the Rolling Stones, in the 1970s, in the middle of a crippling shampoo drought, in a rainstorm. With nits. Look at it. It’s rubbish. It’s… oh, it’s for a film. Oh. First Showing reports:
A paparazzi shot of Kristen Stewart sporting a jet black mullet hairdo for The Runaways has made its way online. Stewart plays singer and guitarist Joan Jett of the 1970s all-girl rock band The Runaways. The biopic is being written and directed by Italian music video director Floria Sigismondi.
Oh, thank God. Panic over, everyone. Kristen Stewart hasn’t got a rubbish haircut after all – she’s just starring in a film about a woman with a rubbish haircut. Phew. She’s got nothing in common with Robert Pattinson at all, then.
Well, you know, apart from the mumbling and the constantly gloomy expression and the starring in crappy films about teenage vampires. But that’s a given, isn’t it?