In what can only be seen as a classic case of people not doing their research, reading the Twilight series or paying any attention to the world around them, Robert Pattinson has sensationally not won the title of Most Eligible British Bachelor.
The man who portrays the character of Edward Cullen so wonderfully, in a manner which makes you think he even bothered to read the book (he probably had a spare afternoon), the man with a face he openly admits looks like a featureless wall of plaster and he with a personality to match didn’t win it.
What has the world come to?
The sacrilegious list of hate towards everyone’s* favourite not-at-all-a-bit-gay vampire was compiled by Company magazine and placed both Prince Harry and that one who’s a bit grey, George Lamb, above “Rob”.
Many expected the new darling of Hollywood and hecklerspray to romp to victory in the rankings, but it would seem that a dull Big Brother presenter and a ginger boy who likes dressing up as a Nazi are literally better people than Robert Pattinson.
That doesn’t bode well for the man-boy, if that’s the kind of competition he’s failing to beat.
Claims are being thrown around that the Reason Comas Exist didn’t win because of biased voting, with Prince Harry’s alleged ladyfriend on the voting panel thus more or less guaranteeing his victory with her apparently superpowered single vote.
We’re not ones to comment on matters of speculation, but: FIX! It’s a definite fix, Robert Pattinson should have won it. He should have won it even without a face. He should have won it so hard the magazine was sent back in time and everyone involved with the voting died of immediate brain explosions.
Not that we’re ones to comment, or anything.
Company editor Victoria White denied any dodgyness, however, stating:
“The decision was unanimous. Our readers are really starting to love Prince Harry and see him as a highly eligible bachelor – he’s posh and polite, yet rugged, fun and down-to-earth at the same time.”
FIX!
The top ten, in full, goes thus:
1. Prince Harry
2. George Lamb
3. Robert Pattinson
4. Noel Fielding
5. Paul Sculfor
6. Ed Westwick
7. Guy Ritchie
8. Jack Penate
9. Sam Branson
10. Jamie Dornan
We have to admit to not actually knowing who three of those people are, but we can guess that they only lost out to Robert Pattinson because they haven’t been in a bigish film recently – otherwise they’d clearly grab an easy victory over the singing sensation (he can sing too!).
Oh, no, wait – FIX!
* That’s if you count tweens and shrieking, reactionary 48-year-old women as “everyone”.